i own it

back in the days of yore, i tried to be one of those people that's "hard to read" or "put up walls" because i thought it'd be cool if someone was like, "man, i wonder what happened to make her so closed off" blah blah blah.

i don't know if i really wanted to be seen that way or if it's because i was surrounded by fake people and thought that was a good way to be fake.

the truth is i'm a freakin open book. i'll tell you whatever you want to know, good or bad. because i don't feel like i should be ashamed of things i've said or done because i've learned specific things from each and every one. and i want to share what i've learned with friends going through similar times but i feel it's pivotal to also divulge some background so they don't think i'm some self-righteous quack.

plus people that are too guarded just get on my nerves.

do i strike you as judgmental? cause i like to think that i'm far from it. because 1) i've probably done the same thing or something similar and 2) i'm not God.

i spent too much time surrounded by fake, judgmental people. so i'm determined to be the opposite. i like being real, even when it's not pretty. and i feel like that was stifled in the past by people who judged me for being me.

awkward, uncensored, clumsy me.

but that is no more. and it only took ~27 years.

heart + sleeve

a confession

i've meant to post this before but in case you haven't noticed, i have a tendency to be lazy.

but i think it's time that i come out and say that i have some weird, morbid obsession with disturbing movies.

and i have for a while.

i'm a sick, sick soul.

i have no problem with violence as long as it's not someone getting the crap beat out of them. or curb-stomped, a la american history x.

in city of god, little kids are forced to shoot each other. i didn't care.

didn't really find a clockwork orange very violent or disturbing, but we've been wayyyyy desensitized to violence since the 70s.

i've watched pieces of cannibal holocaust but i REFUSE to watch the scenes with real animal killings.

even i draw the line somewhere. and the line is animals dying.

and i also couldn't finish i spit on your grave.

see i have a soul! i'm human!

disturbing could also mean just plain freaky, i.e. eraserhead, audition, freaks.

or just plain gross. see pink flamingos, gummo, salo.

i know entirely too much about this genre of film. and no one to share it with.

currently craving

- a brocato's cannoli

- crabby jack's shrimp poboy

- green goddess sweet potato biscuits

- stella's potato soup (with bacon lardons and caviar creme fraiche)

- kupcake factory's wedding cake cupcake ( and reese's cupcake)

- banana pudding from my own two man-hands

- ben and jerry's sweet cream and cookies

- a margarita from juan's flying burrito

- a frothy monkey mocha

- jacques-imo's cornbread muffins drenched in garlic butter

- upperline's honey pecan bread pudding (with toffee sauce)

- brennan's brandy milk punch

- zea's roast garlic hummus

- tabouleh from lebanon's

- the drew bree's cupcake from bee sweet cupcakes

- a sidecar from swizzle stick

- the flaming torch's french onion soup

did i mention i want these all at once?

*EDIT*

- and a baked potato from port of call

and a swamp reuben from the avenue

ok that's all.

and a macaroon from sucre.

bah!

that picture up there makes me laugh every time i look at it.

anyway.

i've really never been this happy. that i can remember. God has placed some super great people in my life lately and for the first time in 26 years, i feel like i'm on level ground, friend-wise. i'm not trying to break into an already tight-knit group. i'm not trying to downplay my likes and opinions. i'm not in competition. it feels really good. although when i think about being 26 (and 3/4) and just now developing these kind of friendships, it dampens my enthusiasm. i wish i'd had these friends all along and not wasted time trying to mold myself into whatever friend i thought i needed to be.

but c'est la vie.

i'm glad to have people around me that i adore. and people that aren't always around me that i adore.

plus, i have a really freakin cute little dog.

i keep finding more and more reasons to not leave new orleans. including the new orleans rum factory. who gives lots of tastes of rummy yum. i mean, yummy rum. get it? get it??

i suck.

i just took an approx. 2 1/2 hour nap, so my MS happy and i can concentrate on this re-run of "whale wars." those japanese need their ass kicked.

1000 facepalms

ugh.

i've been way more socially awkward than usual this week. it physically hurts me sometimes. i talk when i shouldn't and don't talk when i should. like always, i'm gonna blame hormones.

i almost said "i'm gonna blame whale wars." cause that's what's on tv right now.

father's day is sunday. wish i could see my daddy. he's pretty much the best. he makes everything ok.

and he sang at my wedding. and i still tear up when i think about it.

i'm pretty sure ella isn't gonna do anything for matt for father's day. she's too spoiled and ungrateful.

omg the coffee at work is ridiculous. i can't handle chicory. it's like sludge. i put two creamers in it and it doesn't even change colors. i get obscene amounts of work done though. i have a dream job. good hours. tons of holidays. huge office and desk. amazing coworkers. the Big Guy really outdid himself on that mother.

holy crap! now there's some show on about lizards. it's one of my worst nightmares!!!!!!!!!

no fear in death

strange few days.

i got to see some ruston friends friday. there was much walking around the french quarter which led to my toes being sore. my TOES were sore...??? really strange.

dinner at upperline saturday night. grasshoppers are a delicious dessert beverage. not the actual insect. that'd be really strange.

sunday i dreamed i was riding a bicycle underwater while singing "bicycle race" by queen. really strange.

today was my first day of work. i have a big desk. not just an L-shaped desk. but a U-shaped one. and 3 windows. and 35 hour weeks. i'm tearing up right now. really strange.

today i found out that a friend from high school shot himself yesterday. he was my first boyfriend. it's really strange. my facebook newsfeed is plastered with people writing sympathies on his sister's wall. people posting memories and prayers. it's so weird and so sad. i'm not sure how i feel about it.

it's a mixture of sad, weird and strange.

cause i was told to get out, told to leave...

...told to have my things in the parking lot

good things have been happening for the everetts. while out having a beer with matt and his coworkers thursday, i found out i passed the financial section of the cpa exam. totally thought i failed. i had prepared myself to fail. but no. this dang exam has been a pain. well...i guess i should say this dang disease has been a pain. i started taking the tests in january of 2008 and then i had the relapse of all relapses that sidelined me for a year. A YEAR. it's the most annoying disease in the world.

so yes, i'm behind. and it takes courage for me to admit that but i guess i can't help it. my brain is against me.

also, i got to go home for the holiday weekend and get spit up on by my niece. i did not care one bit. 5 month olds are soooooooooooo fun. wiggly and giggly and they can hold their head up. she's way fun. really tugs at my uterus.

AND...get ready......................................................

I.GOT.A.JOB.

a great job. at a bank. less than a mile from my house. so i get tons of holidays. it's really close to being my dream job. so this just proves that prayer works, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i finally get a job and target is out of pumpkin pancake mix. where is the justice?!?

on a closing note, my brothers crack me up. i'm glad it only took 20 years for us to learn how to get along.